I am on a quest.
I see myself picking up the proverbial shepherd’s crook, slinging a sack over my shoulders, and headed for the mountains. I imagine that the roads are dusty, covered in strange and sharp rocks, wolves lurking in the forest, and water is scarce. To make it more real, imagine me in a burlap sack with a large, floppy hat over my tangled hair, worn out sandals on my feet.
This is my quest to find the Church.
Not a building, not a group of smiling people, not an organized religion. Not a room full of judgmental hypocrites. Not a gathering of blind followers who will hit you over the head with the Bible if you have questions. Not a hipster or rad college ministry. Not people who cannot understand living with pain and clinical depression because it is uncomfortable to talk about. Not people who will jump to make you a casserole but are scared away if your sin is showing too much.
I’m looking for the Body of Christ. And I’ve come to believe, it’s everywhere. It is not confined to a building. It isn’t for two hours on a Sunday morning. It isn’t a convenient set of guidelines. It is made up of real, living, breathing, human, people. It has been around for more than 2,000 years. It is a flawed family. It is not under the guidance of any man or woman, but of the loving God who redeemed it and cares for it.
I don’t know where this quest is going to take me, because I have so many questions and I don’t know where to even begin. But I am okay with that. I’m okay with looking. I’m actually okay with not knowing right now. With being vulnerable and unsure. I am angry. I don’t want to be angry anymore. I want peace, but that doesn’t mean being comfortable. I want joy, but it doesn’t mean being happy. I’m going to exert my free will and the intellect we were all created with and set out for the mountains, or the valley, or the sea, or wherever it takes me. It’s going to be gloriously hard.
I don’t know when or what I will have to say, but I imagine I will keep writing more over the next few months. I know it has been a while since I even looked at this blog. I have been too bitter and life has been far too full of everything. I’m tired of living like that. I want to be honest again. I’m ready to learn and grow and hopefully, even if it takes years, get past that. I want to regain the tenderness without losing the tenacity.
If you’re with me, let me know.