It’s simple, really. I don’t know why I haven’t said it sooner.
I am not a victim.
What I have been through in my life has made me who I am now, and is part of who I will be in the future. And I wouldn’t trade that for anything. If I was the same person I was three years ago, I wouldn’t be here. In college. Writing music. Sharing life with people who take me as I am (for some strange reason) and bless me in so many ways. Who are teaching me to trust and love and be happy again.
It isn’t easy. In fact it’s really, really hard. I’m glad there are resources (medication, anyone? Therapy? No shame here). But you know what IS easy? Allowing every memory, every trigger, every negative thought or hurtful word against me to become my existence, to define me. Most of that is in my past, although every so often a fresh new hurt interrupts my life. Like this morning, for instance.
But that’s my stuff. Everyone has their stuff. A lot of people have much worse stuff than me. I will always have to deal with my stuff, and I have to accept that as part of my life.
So today I decided to write down what I am grateful for right now:
Summer. A cup of earl grey tea. Finally catching up on Doctor Who. My roommate playing guitar in the living room. The dishwasher making funny sounds. The music I’m working on right now. My mom. Helena Grace. My sweet boyfriend. My hilarious piano student who I get to see today. A good book.
I’m fine. I’m not fine. Whatever. I’m not one of those happy clappy, pretend everything is okay people. But I think I’m finally realizing that everything IS okay. No need to pretend. I’ll take the good stuff and the bad stuff.
I guess it’s a good thing to be alive…